The Hidden Roots of Perfectionism: Why Midlife Women Struggle to Let Go
Do you often find yourself obsessing over every little detail, unable to move forward until everything is “just right”?
Maybe you’re trying to build a business or make a big change in your life, but something keeps holding you back. If you’re a midlife woman struggling with perfectionism, it may be helpful to explore where this need for perfection comes from, why it served you at one time, and how it’s now getting in the way of the life you desire.
The Origins of Perfectionism
Perfectionism often has deep roots in early life experiences. It may have developed as a coping mechanism in response to feeling uncertain or unsafe during childhood, even if outwardly, nothing appeared traumatic.
Here’s how:
1. Craving Safety and Certainty: If you grew up in an environment where things felt unpredictable—maybe there were frequent changes, inconsistent parenting, or emotional ups and downs—you may have learned to seek control through perfection. As a child, trying to make everything “just right” might have been your way of creating a sense of order and safety, even if no one else saw it as a big deal.
2. Validation Through Achievement: If you received praise mainly for your accomplishments, good grades, or being a “good girl,” you might have internalized the belief that you needed to be perfect to earn love and approval. This can create a lifelong pattern of trying to meet high standards to feel worthy.
3. Criticism and Comparison: Being compared to others or facing constant criticism—even if the person criticizing really isn’t “meaning it that way”—can fuel the need to be perfect as a way to avoid disapproval. If you were always being measured against siblings, classmates, or societal expectations, the drive to prove yourself may have become ingrained.
4. Societal Standards and Academic Pressure: Growing up in a culture that prizes success, achievement, and appearance can reinforce the belief that perfection is not just desirable, but necessary. You may have learned to equate mistakes with failure, leading you to overwork or overthink to avoid falling short.
These experiences can shape your belief system, leading to a subconscious need for certainty, safety, and control that carries over into adulthood.
Why Perfectionism Stops Serving You in Midlife
While perfectionism may have once helped you feel secure or gain approval, it often backfires later in life, especially when you’re pursuing something new like starting a business, making a career change, or just trying to embrace a different path.
Here’s how it shows up:
1. Procrastination and Overthinking: In your quest to get everything “just right,” you may delay taking action or spend too much time planning. You might constantly tweak your business plans, revise your work, or avoid putting yourself out there because it never feels ready. This can make progress slow or even bring it to a standstill.
2. Fear of Failure: If you’ve tied your self-worth to your ability to succeed, you may avoid risks that could lead to mistakes. This fear can keep you from stepping into new opportunities or taking the bold actions needed to grow a business or pursue a passion.
3. Exhaustion and Burnout: Perfectionism often leads to exhaustion because you’re doing too much, never feeling satisfied. I like to think of perfectionism as unquenchable—because you spend copious amounts of time trying to make something perfect when there is no such thing. You may set unrealistic expectations for yourself, leading to exhaustion from constantly trying to measure up—even if to yourself.
4. Difficulty Embracing Change: Midlife often brings significant transitions, which require adaptability and a willingness to step into uncertainty. If you’ve spent your life seeking certainty and safety through perfection, these changes can feel overwhelming and scary, making change harder than it truly needs to be. But awareness can change everything.
Recognizing Your Core Values and Reframing Them
At the heart of perfectionism is often a deep-rooted core value of safety and certainty, developed from a young age alongside our innate human desire for approval and security. It’s a learned coping mechanism that arose from a genuine need to feel worthy and secure. But in midlife, these values can conflict with the qualities you desire to embody, like courage, change, and authenticity.
Understanding that perfectionism was a strategy you used to protect yourself is the first step toward shifting your mindset. It served a purpose, but now it’s about consciously choosing new core values that align with the life you want to create.
You might start with:
Progress over Perfection: Focus on taking small steps and learning from the process instead of aiming for flawless results. In school, we were taught to get “A’s” to avoid failing, which shows how deeply ingrained this mindset is in our education system.
Embracing Uncertainty: Recognize that growth often happens just outside of your comfort zone. Practice being okay with things not being fully predictable while knowing it’s okay to make mistakes. The more you get comfortable with discomfort, the more you can face uncertainty. The truth is, nothing is certain. This takes practice.
Self-Compassion: Learn to treat yourself with kindness when things don’t go as planned. This approach allows you to grow from mistakes rather than fear them. You can’t create anything meaningful from beating yourself up; it just doesn’t work. Most of us are unaware of how harsh we can be towards ourselves.
Ever catch yourself saying things like, “Why can’t I get this right?” “Am I stupid?” or “Why can’t I do this easily?” You might even hear thoughts like, “I’ll never fit into those jeans again,” or “I can’t believe I let myself go.” These thoughts can be crushing, and they often keep us stuck.
Instead of letting self-doubt dictate your actions, try speaking to yourself like you would to a dear friend. What would you say to her if she was struggling? Remember, everyone makes mistakes and faces challenges. It’s part of being human! By embracing self-compassion, you open the door to growth and change. You begin to understand that you are more than your setbacks, and that progress comes from learning, not from perfection.
Reclaiming Your True Self Beyond Perfection
Your perfectionism may stem from a belief that you must be “perfect” to be worthy or maybe seen, but that’s not who you truly are.
Your real self is someone who can thrive without being flawless, who is capable of embracing new experiences, and who has the strength to pursue dreams even when things aren’t certain and are even scary.
It’s about shifting from trying to meet an unrealistic standard to stepping into the woman you desire to be—bold, resilient, and authentic.
Raising your awareness of where these tendencies come from and understanding the driving force behind your need for perfection can help you make conscious choices to change and lift the exhaustion that comes from trying to be perfect in any area of your life. If you struggle with perfectionism, it’s not just one area; you’ll find it spills over to every other area.
You cannot change what you aren’t aware of.
Period.
By realigning your core values and letting go of the need for certainty, you can step into your true potential with confidence.
If you’d like help with this, I’m a practicing recovering perfectionist, besides being a coach. 🤣 I feel your pain when going after something new; perfectionism is a protection mechanism that will keep you stuck in an endless loop of exhaustion and delaying the real success you are truly after.
Book your free call if you want help to build the life you dream of! It’s possible, there is no limits to what is.
